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Ady
Up: Real name Adrian Goodridge. Ady fell into the fold via
playing football at the park. His nickname derived from the fact he was
always "excited" about being around other people. In fact this
could stretch from people to tinned products, as the sight of Ady's "mound"
was more frequent than bad weather in Bristol. Ady spent his initial years
drinking urine disguised as a warm pint of larger, snogging large women
and dancing like his dad, although could this affliction really fall upon
two people remains unanswered. Ady was last seen in a 1984 Dire Straits
T-Shirt outside his mum’s house in Brislington, trying to understand
how socks were made |
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Belly
Paul: Real name Paul Belly, who made his entrance into the
gang via his work colleague Barney. Whilst holding an unashamed desire for
guns, S&M, and Welsh women, Belly held an ultimate desire to become
an actor, frequently seen parading around Bristol singing "My name
is Barry Humphries" actually believing he was about to appear
on a nationwide talent show. Belly gained his name through eating 24hrs
of the day, resting only to load up his gun in the squalor of his bedroom
within his mum’s house. Belly was last seen in 1998 with a large Welsh
lady he proudly called his wife. Rumour has it, he subsequently ate her |
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Clint:
Real name Martin Walker. Clint paced his entrance into the Smorn crew via
his school-friend, Ben Elton, who promised him years of black-outs and self-indulgence
if he were to meet those that dwelled within the midst of town. Whilst Clint
held a code of silence within the first 5yrs of meeting anyone outside of
his family home, he soon become overridden with a strong urge to wear NY
Yankee tops and spend hours in front of the mirror combing his Brillo-like
hair that would enable him to have fits of madness in front of anyone that
cared. Clint was last seen in bed with a large bag of speed and a vow never
to step out of his house again |
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Cookie:
Real name Craig Cook. Whilst Cookie only made a fleeting appearance within
the early stages of the ones known as Smorn, he undoubtedly was a pivot
in convincing Moo to drop his Phil Collins records in the name of more street-cred
tunes and demanding the underground pubs and clubs were replaced by places
deemed as being almost popular. Despite his ginger appearance, Cookie did
manage to entice women into his world if not failing to get them into bed.
Cookie was last seen on the Broomhill bus with a woman, whilst arguing that
his ginger hair was not going grey but remained brown |
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Dad:
Real name Jon Hoon. Whilst some may claim he is an "In & Out'er",
others say he is a bender mind. Oh yes, it was in 2003 that Dad declared
himself as being gay, abandoning his "willy in the font bum" for
that of the back, although nobody would dare say anything detrimental to
his face as he would beat you up. Dad entered the world of Smorn via Rich
Gay who used to keep house with the fatherly one, and whilst Dad enjoyed
a sup and a banter at the expense of anyone that was paying, he always buggered
off near closing time to the 'Queen Shilling'. Dad was last seen up someone’s
bum |
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Dan:
Real name Dan Summatorother. Dan rejoiced losing his social virginity after
following his cousin, Matt Harrison into town one evening and attempting
to slay any woman that would dare look at him. After several thousand rejections,
Dan finally settled down with a large bird, although unashamedly exhibited
this fact by hosting several house parties where he inevitably ended up
in bed with said bird, allowing all to view. Dan was a meek and mild chap
that was well loved, be it only by his friends and fat birds. Dan was last
seen trying to escape from a cave after performing cunnilingus on a large
walrus called Nobby |
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David Winter:
Real Name Dave who was undoubtedly a gentleman’s gent, always saying
please and thank-you to anyone that would listen, that invariably led him
to become a serial boyfriend. As Dave had only spent 2mins without a girlfriend,
it is difficult to say anything other than how "under the thumb"
he was, although at least he had consistent sex, regardless of whom or what
he was doing it with. Dave was last seen in Sweden having married a woman
that assumed he had the wealth of a British Gentlemen as seen in such films
as 'Arthur' and 'King Lear', although reality finally struck and he is currently
paying off a large debt to Kays catalogue |
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Gain:
Real name Lee Gain. If Lee's eyes could have been wider apart, they would
have been classed as ears, although it was this quirky feature that no doubt
provided the charm that those around him fell for. Whilst Gain lived in
the shadow of Dave, it was his sparky, yet ridiculous behaviour that set
himself from the crowd, not thinking twice before throwing a push-bike through
a shop window, or emptying a bin over a nearby tramp. Gain gave Smorn a
certain spark that was best left to a gas cooker that eventually led to
his early retirement when he decided to join the army in pursuit of sanity.
Gain was last seen dribbling over a conker in St.Annes |
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Grant:
Real name Grant Pearcy, brother of Ry. Grant made an initial impact into
the group by entering a drinking contest and chucking up after 3 pints.
Where others would be ashamed, Grant held his head up high and began a tough
drinking regime that allowed him to remember nothing past 7pm upon a Saturday
evening. After lapping the Smorn musical tastes up like a dog upon enlarged
testicles, Grant decided to exchange the boozy life for that of a rock star
and opted to smoke cannabis within his new-found band called Cactus. Grant
was last seen by Ry, last week. He says "hi" |
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Harry:
Real name Matt Harrison. After becoming addicted to the sights and sounds
of town, Harry decided to join his school pal Ry into the world of Smorn
and instantly became an icon by introducing Ben Elton, who subsequently
brought other such valid members into the fold (Clint and Steve to name
but the initial few). Harry originally started life upon the social scene
as a chubby child, although through playing the banjo and eating nothing
but tartar sauce, Harry soon emerged into a dashing young man that as soon
as realising his alteration, buggered off to pastures new. Harry was last
seen in town by Jack in 2004, promising to call Ry for a reconciliation |
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Richardson:
Real name Paul Richardson. From walking the streets with a bottle of cider
to gracing the pubs with a pint of larger, Richardson progressed through
the ranks with a logical approach that would be the igniting point of any
drunken debate. Whilst Richardson acted cool amongst the ladies, showing
his love for ale rather than hole, it was a surprise when he gradually became
the purse for women after women who chose to go for his pound in cash rather
than his pound in meat. This was until he finally met the woman of his dreams
and left the pack almost penniless. Richardson was last seen running his
own business to fund his wife’s shoe habit |
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Barney:
Real name Barney Bewick. The Scottish charmer only weighed 2stone, although
with his long locks and rocker look, Barney managed to succumb all females
within his path. As a genuine "nice guy", Barney was also adored
by men as well as women, although knew his own mind and whilst the lads
decided to venture outside of the rock circuit to find new experiences,
Barney stayed put, until the time when he was the only rocker remaining
in Bristol. It was then that Barney packed his bags and buggered off to
London in search of an Iron Maiden tribute band. Barney was last seen working
for a record company, using pillows to enhance his bony structure |
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The
Penny Brothers: Real name Penny and her sister. Whilst The
Penny Brothers actually had boobs and a front-bum (which they probably shared
as one of them definitely went for a wee whilst standing up), they were
welcome into the gang with open arms, bringing a collection of friends of
whom all made some kind of impact, although I'll be damned if we can remember
their names today. After gaining confidence, The Penny Brothers and their
entourage started to command their own which was the start of their downfall
as in 1996, they were banished from the world of Smorn due to hogging the
back room of The Hatchet. The Penny Brothers were last seen selling their
bodies for 32p on the streets of Yate |
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Ian
the Gay: Real name Ian. Accompanied by a posse of male and
female homosexuals, Ian the Gay's plan was to introduce a bit of colour
into the world of Smorn, attempting to get Slim to wear a red hanky in his
jean pocket and for Jit to buy the complete works of 'The Communards'. Whilst
Jit did not hesitate in purchasing the works of Somerville, it was Slim
that decided enough was enough and gradually taunted Ian the Gay's group
until they could take no more and finally decided to move their handbags
to London where they squatted like camp tramps. Ian the Gay was last seen
working on the make-up counter in Debenhams |
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