Want to stay ahead of the cool-gang? Want to be the envy of your mates? Want to eat a muffin from the Queens lap (OK, the latter is not possible unless the Queen has an urge to have her lap area munched upon by a muffin-hungry person)... Well get your T-Shirt, badge or even a mouse-mat, courtesy of Smorn.com and a few quid. Here is a look at the design, created by our very own Ben Elton...

... Nice isn't it!

All you have to do is contact us at Smorn.com and relay the following statement...

"I have some cash to spend and would love a Smorn.com (T-Shirt, Badge or Mouse Mat*), priced at (£10, £4, £5 respectively*). I also agree to be harassed by Smorn.com by enlisting into their directory of able Smornettes, whereby I will be updated with some cracking stuff when available. P.S Nice arse Ben"

By return, we will send you details on how to finalise the transaction and before you know it, you will have people screaming Smorn in your ear, before insisting you take them to bed with a cup of cocoa and a copy of 'Womans Own'

In addition... The following products are also available...

* Jeff Goopy... Love A cult film from MaskedMoog Productions following the life of Jeff Goopy and his quest for love. Film is 10mins long, yet to make it worth its £4.99 price tag, a load of extras have been added... Nice... To view the trailer click on the word... Love

* Original artwork by Ben 'Jason Trivett' Elton. Signed with a loving Signature (Please contact Smorn.com for further details as price is based upon your lavish requirements)

* 'Jeff Goopy - Male Escort' DVD. A poorly recorded, yet potential collectors item as penned by Ry & Slim, to which the latter also stars - £3.99

* 'Meet The Goopys' CD. A side-splitting compilation of sketches and japes as written and recorded by Pearcy & Hays - £3.99

* 'F-Smith Says' CD. A whole 30mins of hilarious swearing as read by F-Smith whilst drunk - £3.99

* Please nominate as per your desire